Personal question is personal.

[Lamont]

Is a bit of a heavy topic, but no you're not alone. Venting time!


I can't say I've ever been on the ending it edge (though I've lightly pondered), but am I generally happy with my life? Not really. Am I even on the track of where I want to be? No. Can I get on that track? With great mental difficulty, and most of that [sadly enough] is due to the responsibilities I feel toward this site.

I'm stuck in a job I hate cause 1) The economy isn't great so job hunting is... a trial, 2) I don't make enough to really save much money so kinda need continuous income (and it isn't like I have a booming social life, I don't spend money on much outside of essentials), 3) I have an incredible sense of loyalty and my job has a high bus factor so I know if I left at a busy time of year my Boss would flounder and I'd feel bad, and 4) Majority of my free time is keeping this place afloat.

I work in an office with stable hours yes, but it's a small 'middleman' operation so I have Zero control over how things go but am always the one customers yell at when things go wrong (and my god do things go wrong in the stupidest ways), so it does not matter at all how good I am at my job, I get yelled at for others' mistakes. Plus I have no ability to actually fix anything myself it's always just go talk to this series of person.Which, for me, is particularly bad cause due to some childhood traumas I just... can't talk on the phone. I have such anxiety about being on the phone it's stupid, even voice chats I avoid like the plague. I know it's dumb. This job is worse than normal customer service jobs in that respect, and I've done a lot of customer service as I just have that personality where I can't not help someone. Like, hello someone I just met. Oh? You're birthday is a ruin and you're sad? I will buy you a birthday present.

The job also pays shit cause the only other one in the business is my boss so he pays me personally out of what he makes. I've wanted to get out for over a year now, to the point I've broken down crying over it. Though, some of that may have been helped due to family members being in and out of the hospital for 2 Christmas' now.

I've been trying to spend what little bit of free time I have to myself delving into new coding languages and generally learning web design so I can change career paths, but my motivation is shot as I'm just tired and want to sit back and relax and do what I want when I have time to myself. Right now I'm at the point of quitting my job and going back to school (so yay more debt...) so I can get certification to even be considered for a job I'll enjoy. But I don't even have much desire to do that since my first 6 years in Uni I only have bad memories of professors throwing me under the bus and retarded student advisors. Also, having investigated After Degrees a bit, it seems that even if I do dump money into applying and hoping to get in I am absolutely bottom of the list for everything and may not even be able to get in to any classes I'd need to advance cause everything goes to Transfer Students & High Schoolers. I feel like I've been utterly %@#$^! because I bothered to get a degree already.

Even being here... I like chatting with everyone cause you guys are nearly my only friends. I don't hang out with anyone in the city that is my friend -- they're all my hubby's work friends. But I can't even enjoy the forum really cause I spend 99% of my time making sure everyone else is updated and happy, and I feel like no one else is willing to take half hour out of their day in return. I feel like if I didn't dedicate as much time as I do to even just keeping ZZ creeping along then it would die and it'd be my fault.
[Note: This is just how I feel on my darker days and isn't necessarily a true representation of how things are on ZZ cause I know a lot of others here have had their own junk to deal with. I'm just stressed.]


So yeah, you're not alone in the terrible mess of life, the world showing you the finger, and your brain beating you down. But that's a bright side right? Sadness buddies!

Have dis cat

[Tiki]

btw Lamont

i had asked you before, but do you need help?

can i jsut casually pick up threads to mod kind of help without needing to change my name color kind of help?

also i didn't know you're married, next you're gonna tell me you have three cats
===
and to OP,
No, i'm not happy rn.

Life could be better, but I think part of it is that a lot of my world view had been either lied to or not realistic enough and I am here just reconstructing my world view + finding myself again.

I've mentally killed myself so many times but I'm also not gonna do it for real because I am holding onto this hope that, life does get better. maybe slowly, but definitely and eventually.

ironically. i think i've pull myslef out of my second major depression (with some help and ventings) because I've hit so low that I can't go anywhere but back up.

ok i was gonna write more but im so hungry i forget. so bye.
hang in ther y'all.

don't give up.- quote pokemon super mystery dungeon spoiler but the game came out a year ago already is it spoiler anymore

[Noerd]

Oh boy, this is one hell of a topic. Well, since you invited it, I'll indulge myself. :P

I've been in this situation so many times that I've lost count. I like to think that I've become the master of the "stiff upper lip" in my 24 years. The only saving grace is that I lack the balls to even consider ending my life, frankly. I'll save you the long version (I'd be here all night typing :P), but it really all came to a head when my brother applied for university... something like 4 years ago now? At the time, I had no semblance of a life plan. I was struggling with my own physical health, staying in bed pretty much all day... and I had no real motivation to stop. My school had basically given up on me, and I left with very little in the way of qualifications. It took my kid brother finally getting his own life in order to make me realise that I couldn't keep this up, and eventually I got to where I am now. Somehow, by some combination of stubbornness and dumb luck, I managed to come out on top.

But even then, it seems like I'm doomed to repeat the same cycle of "get knocked back, push forward, get a brief glimpse of happiness, get knocked back again". The entire reason I joined ZZ (and the various communities prior) is that I simply wanted (well, want) to bury my head in the sand and forget all of this. Every time life feels like it's "under control", something comes up to rip the reins from my hands. Even now, just when I seemed to have everything that I wanted in life, I managed to somehow screw up my own sleeping patterns to the point that I now feel like total and utter crap day in, day out. I don't even feel like finishing up my degree now, in all honesty; the only reason I've not dropped out is that I know it'll worsen things in the long run. At least here I can pretend that my life has meaning and direction.

I've been keeping myself going by simply trying to force positive changes in my life, but even then it's not worked out in the long term. I fought hard to get into university because my life was going nowhere, and now I've lost all interest. When I try to "make friends" (in person, just to clarify, not here), I find myself on the periphery of the group that I throw myself at, no matter how much I try to force myself inward. Just... every time I push myself forward, the world pushes back with double the force.

Honestly, I shouldn't be complaining. If I look at things objectively, this is the best that my life has ever been. I know that my current problems are nothing compared to the rest of you, and I'm not trying to say that much. What I am trying to say is "you're not alone". I've been there and I'll go there again, no doubt. I think I speak for everyone else when I say that I'm here for you guys. This is quite frankly the only place that I truly feel "at home", among my own kind, and I'll be damned if any of you give up on life before I'm done leeching happiness off of you. :P In all seriousness though, if you ever need to rant, I'm a willing target. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's carrying heavy burdens without collapsing completely. Metaphorically speaking, anyway.

[Thirdie]

Personal indeed, but you can't very well not deem it with an answer of sorts.

On occasion I've been glancing at the edge since I was 16. Not really because I felt life was bad or anything. More likely it was some kind of morbid curiosity.
I've always been an outsider in school, but it never really bothered me, because people were strange and nothing they talked about ever interested me. For a while I hated/disliked the human race and myself for being part of it, though I'm unclear where the dislike came from (other than them being cruel towards other animals and themselves to a degree I have a hard time understanding).
Anyway, I told myself that if I ended it, this and that story wouldn't see a finish, and you just can't walk away from a story you've started to write. It wasn't a big deal. Life went on its way, and if the idea popped up again, I still had a story to write, so no matter. I've been building on that defense ever since, and now a days I can even add husband and child to the stories.

It hasn't been easy though. We've had to fight the system just to be allowed to keep our child. All because we tried to get a bit of help, when we were still only expecting. We're lucky to have family and friends so ready to help, when things are burning, and we ended up getting the help we needed, instead of the ultimatum we were faced with at first. It was horrifying to experience the system made for helping families in need turn against you like that, and we got angry and hurt, but we still had to cooperate with the people who threatened to take the child immediately at birth. Just because I wasn't showing proper bonding signs for the unborn child... That, and lack of proper clean house a month before term. Luckily, friends and family took care of the practical part of the complaint, and we showed them good after birth, that we could and would take care of our kid. (Still angry from time to time, that we had to have such a rough start with the kid)

I'm decent happy today, I suppose, but life is still tough, because society isn't really build for misfits (even if they do try to make the room). We are living on the periphery, barely avoiding being crushed by the hurricane that is everyone else chasing their lives around to fulfill their own dreams. I'm nowhere near my own dream, and even the back-up dream I have to just get by without worrying about next year, to feel safe with a steady future, is wobbly.
I try to find happiness in all the small things. There's a quote I got from somewhere: "People miss the little joys, while chasing the great happiness"
My husband and I are fighting, to stay afloat, to be there for our kid, and at the same time keep on doing the things that make us happy and able to spend another day with expectations and demands from pure Life.

[Lamont]

You've heard some of ours (and I'm pretty sure there's others too!), so what's been on your mind Donita? If you want to share that is ^_^

We've all been beyond the dumps so know that we're here for you should you need anything. S'prolly at least some of us that may even relate more than you know. It's nice to hear some of these stories and how we're all chugging along despite nothing being perfect.


We're all pals here! So... What ails yah? :3 Or anyone else for that matter that wants to share.

[Tarlar]

This has already become a bit old, but I'm going to chirp in with my life.

Am I pleased with my life? Yes and no, today I have a better day, so this is going to be a bit more positive than it would have been yesterday.
I don't have a dream life, or a plan for where I want to be, so I don't have anything to hold it up against and see if I'm there yet or not. I want a job I'm alright with and freetime to do what I like and I often find enjoyment in small things as well.

That doesn't mean that I don't have problems though. I'll try do it short.
I became stressed 2 years ago, a mixture of too many tasks at work, long hours (and little sparetime) and feeling I ran zapdos alone at that time. Luckily I'm so focused on my heart that I noticed how much it raced before I went down completely (born with a heart defect, but doesn't have any trouble now). It was up to the busiest time at work and in the middle of that we got a new boss, who of course needed to learn everything first. Not the best combination to get better, and my feeling of responsibility made me fight through it, because it would be better when the slow summer arrived.
It did and I was on the right track when my boss decided to fire me. They wanted a sale-boss-thing instead. (someone who can work as much as they need without having to pay more). That set me back quite a bit, and I'm still bitter about it, since I think I did so much for them and that was the pay. I had been there in 5 years

I was on sick leave for a few months and in the beginning of last Januray, my boyfriend's kidneys became so bad they prepared for him to get a transplantation.
I got a new job surprisingly fast and last summer was tough as I got a lot of extra hours when the others were on vacation and my boyfriend went to dialysis. So little time at home, and everything there needed to be done, I had to do. He could sometimes help with dinner and washed our clothes a couple of times that few months.
I survived by clinging to the thought that when my vacation started in August it would be the end, as his transplantation was scheduled for that, and we expected him to be home after a couple of weeks and then back at work a couple of months after that.
As some of you already know, he ended getting 8 operations and has first been let out of the hospital a few months ago, so there is a lot of rehabilitation still.
That should end well and that is also what I am still clinging to, it will become better.

I still haven't had the break that would need for me to get back on the horse again, for real, as I'm probably more hanging on the side swiping the ground, than haven fallen completely off..
I'm less stressed but I have clearly become damaged by it, as my memory is horrible and I'm terrified of forgetting something important, my am quick to lose grasp on things/plans and lose temperament.
So I'm stretched thin I think.

On top of the two big problems, we also have a half-ruin of a house that needs to be renovated, but none of us know how to do it practically, and the inside looks like the destruction of Jerusalem (is that a saying in english as well? Sounds better than "a bombed toilet", which is another saying in danish.)

Oh well, took another round of crying while writing this, but I do also cry often and easily, so no surprise in that. And it made me feel a bit better.

But hang in there, I do what I can.
I'm alright at the moment since my boyfriend will be better, my mom is coming to help cleaning a bit in the weekend, we might get a bit of snow and the painkillers has taken todays migraine.